I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize