i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
