He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
