They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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