He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
