You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
