You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How naked do you want me to be?
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