I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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