i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
