Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
