is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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