When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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