you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
