How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's shark week go big or go home
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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