so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
