I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
