It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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