Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
