just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize