I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
