You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize