i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
