i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
