Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
