please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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