Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize