i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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