we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
