You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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