I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Less talking, more tequila
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
did i just pee glitter
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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