Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
