she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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