your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
A+ Viking dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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