Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
