Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
