Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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