Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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