I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize