I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
