shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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