I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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