i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
