The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
