I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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