i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
