im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
