Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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