i may or may not be watching the land before time
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
