The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
