Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
