the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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