They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
