You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
