Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
