An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There's a naked man in my car right now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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