You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize