Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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