Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
