the condom got lost in my hair
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
