I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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